Updated: Sep 16
For a long time I was very unhappy in my own body and could not even look in the mirror without seeing all my flaws and wanting to cry about it. I was convinced that my calfs had an enormous circuit, my hair was too frizzy and my boobs too small.
AIf I would have grown up isolated from society with parents who told me on a daily basis that I am beautiful, I would have probably not even considered that I was not correct the way I was, but just took my body as a tool to do everything I want to do. But as this is basically not possible in modern civilisation, plus we need and at least, I want to live in a community with other people, it is almost impossible to not be influenced by a certain criteria in terms of looks and beauty ideals.
I got a lot of bullying from my classmates for my looks, as I was very tall and bony already in a young age and could built up muscles quite easily. All things that I am very grateful for today, but as a child, that meant suffering and questioning myself and my existence. Comments from my classmates sticked with me for a long time and I slowly started to internalise them into my reality, feeling unrelaxed and nervous, overly conscious and disassociated from my body.
I was wondering why my boobs did not grow when I got into puberty while everyone around me seemed to evolve into a divine feminine creature. I looked into internet forums where creams and push up bras were recommended to solve my flaw of not having big breast and how to cache it best with clothes that would make a bigger optic on my chest. Instead of accepting that all bodies are shaped differently, I was trying to reach an ideal that was not achievable for me without undergoing surgery. As this thought was planted in my brain, I decided to actually get plastic surgery with a breast augmentation to finally feel good in my body and be more feminine and finally attract all the men in my life as well as happiness.
When I woke up from anaesthesia, I looked down on my body and suddenly had the curves I always dreamed about, but also an incredible pain that stuck with me for the next weeks and month up to come. I could not move my arms freely, couldn't take care for myself as I was not allowed to move a lot and couldn't even go to work for the first weeks after surgery.
I felt like I was trapped inside of paradise with my own devils and no way to escape. But in order to clean up your dark basement, you have to bring the light into the shadow.
After the first days of pure excitement about my new won beats and sending nudies to all my friends, talking nonstop about it, I started to get a slight doubt about this decision. Not the doubt on what I had done to myself. No I wasn't there yet, but rather the doubt if I had chosen the right size, if everyone around me would like them as some of my friends couldn't even see a difference, and doubt if I had chosen the right shape ect. I started to look up pictures of Instagram models with these perfect bodies and even bigger breasts than mine and the fear of not being successful enough, not pretty enough, not good enough started to come up inside of me, following me in my deepest dreams and daily thoughts. It was not until I went to a vacation to Bali, a highly spiritual place and also connected with one of the earths chakra points that suddenly I connected to my inner self, my own inner wisdom and discovered my pure beauty, unattached from any social conditioning or society norms. On Bali, a place where it has more than 30 degrees temperature each day, a high humidity the wide nature and calmness and the relaxed attitude of the Balinese people, forced me to slow down my life and sit with my thoughts and fears. The first few days felt like horror to me. I discovered dark sides inside myself I did not even dare to look at ever before, nor did I know they existed. I felt like I was trapped inside of paradise with my own devils and no way to escape. But in order to clean up your dark basement, you have to bring the light into the shadow. So with being confronted with everything that came up to me, I was suddenly able to search for ways of how to handle them and Bali is certainly the right place to create a safe space for all these emotions that come up. I went on an adventure booking my first yoga class ever, going to meditation gatherings, tantra classes and ecstatic dance. I took in everything I could to heal that dark spot inside myself, that I had ignored for so long. Self development is called work and a journey for a reason. It is a process which can be painful at times and requires a certain discipline to stick with it and also let uncomfortable feelings come up and deal with them instead of always trying to find a way to numb them. I myself have numbed them for all these years before, with work, with party, with being busy nonstop and not listening to myself. But I truly and fully believe that feeling pure with yourself in body and mind, with your surroundings and nature, is the key to happiness and so worth going along that stony and sometimes painful path of self development. And there is no return: once you start to rediscover your own pure, divine, true nature, it is the most rewarding feeling I could ever imagine. Once I deep dived, I suddenly realised what I had done to my body in terms of getting implants forcefully put into my beautiful body. Every day after that started to feel like I am carrying a burden from my past with me, which did not let me feel fully pure and aligned with who I really was. That was when I decided to get an explant and embrace whatever was given to me by nature what whatever consequences would come up by having them removed. The day of my explanting surgery was one of the most painful but also one of the happiest days in my life. I remember waking up and touching my chest which was beautifully soft, yet flat and felt so like me that I started to cry all the way back to my home. I have never been happier with my small breast than now and with that also feel so contempt with the rest of my body that it is such a joy waking up each morning, just being me! Maybe it was a painful, expensive and difficult path I have chosen to discover pureness, but I am grateful that it all had lead me on this wonderful journey of self discovery and being aligned with body mind and soul.
Being pure is mainly connected to virginity or a strictly religious life in the common understanding. But if you think back to the origin of this term, it basically means that something is raw in its essence, like a white paint colour without any added pigments, or a natural yoghurt without any flavours and additives. If I am completely aligned with my body and should and live up to my true self, I feel pure, in my most raw state of being, being my true essence. This state can be achieved by many practises like meditation or yoga, but also in dance or other activities which usually align body and soul with each other. The first time I experienced this feeling was after an intense dancing session where I felt like I was becoming one with the music and there was no more the division with who I thought I was and what my essence is. That was the beginning of my self discovery journey, because I wanted to achieve this state of being in every second of my life and was ready to walk the path to get there.
In which moments did you feel pure or which activities make you feel this way? Sometimes we also feel very raw or pure with certain other people, who let us be and see us in who we really are. Then we do not feel the need to hide ourselves anymore; neither through clothes, nor through any behaviour that does not feel natural to us. In our purest state of existence, there is only love; love for yourself, for others and for every single being on this planet. Because then we can feel that we are made of the same essence, the same energy and particles and therefore connected on the deepest level. If we understand that we are all one and we all are part of the bigger picture, we can not hurt, harm or hate anyone anymore. That is when compassion, trust, love and understanding can come into our lives.